That Mummy/Creative Sinkhole…

What a strange place I’m in right now.

If you read my How I Got into Professional Screenwriting post from 300 years ago (ahem, sorry once again for my typical radio silence) then you will have gathered that I am in one of the scariest places I’ve ever been in my life since the delivery room where I had my daughter. I left a full time job. I turned down writing opportunities. I am living everyday with the limits of insolvency and I did it all deliberately. I did it all because I want to face my dragons and who knows maybe even ride them.

And holy *bleep* but it’s freaking difficult. I thought I made space in my life for this by stepping back from everything else but it’s more like I made a sandy sink hole. Every time I dig some sand out more just slides in. That sand sliding in is my constant struggle with bringing proper structure into my life as a Mom and as a creative.

As a Mom I’ve always been pretty hands on. My daughter is six years old going on seven and has priority on my time from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to when she shuts hers at night. It’s something we’re both used to stemming from the kind of Momming that came more naturally to me. Eking uninterrupted time out of this system that is separate and enough for me to create, however, has been a series of trials and errors.

My daughter is not the kind to sit quietly and do her own thing for a few hours while Mummy works. She’s not the type to want to have me out of sight while we are both in the same house and she’s very social and group oriented. She will neither work or play for very long on her own under any circumstance. These are things that we are working on. As she has grown older we’ve started to have conversations about it. She knows what I do now and has a functional understanding of what it requires of us in terms of blocks of time in which she would have to see to her own entertainment.

Over the holidays which is when this structure is needed the most, we’ve experimented but found unfortunately that we are not quite there yet. It would be a lie to say I was not severely frustrated at times. I’ve realized that there is a relationship between the feelings of failure that grows in me when I’m creatively unproductive and periods of lack of energy and motivation in my life when I couldn’t even work if I did have the time. In the same way when I am able to create, I get a huge positive feedback loop within me that translates to confidence and energy for all other aspects of my life including full time Momming.

This last Summer though we had a little bit of a breakthrough. It was something pretty obvious but before now it was something I was not convinced I could do. Especially in those days when it was a struggle to see the point of leaving my bed after waking up closer to 12 noon than not. But now I’m a me that can build up to it maybe.

I’ve lived my life before now as a naturally nocturnal person. A practitioner of all-nighters. I love the quiet of when everyone has gone to sleep and the next maybe 8 hours are mine and only mine and before now that has always been my time of ultimate productivity. When I became a Mom that time, or at least some of it since I could no longer afford all-nighters, became my down time. When depression came it was my insomnia time.

The current me believes, however, that I can convert this real estate of time into what it traditionally is and make it my sleep time so that I can transform into an early bird. Someone who can wake up at 5am with a switched on brain. An obvious plan to normal folk but something utterly mind blowing for me.

I discussed it with my daughter because it won’t work if I don’t bring her on board. She knows bedtime is now more sacrosanct than ever because Mom needs to get up at 5am and work. We’ve been working on it and we haven’t always succeeded but I kept the feeling I got when we did succeed in my heart as something to motivate me when I don’t.

We’re back in school now though. Now we’re both waking up at 5am so we can commute to school. This season means her school time is my work time – except of course when it’s my miscellany of life time.

So I’m here now. I took another job briefly, realized what I was doing and apologetically bowed out of it. Now I’m updating my plans and finishing manuscript outlines. Just being able to do that is a gift and blessing. I don’t expect easy. I expect slow and painful and a constant battle with my fear and various neuroses. Having the space for that battle is also a blessing and a gift.

It’s almost 2:30pm so my time is up for today. Whenever next it is that I’m successful in making it here, wether it’s the upcoming Monday or 3 months from now, I hope i’ll be introducing you personally to my dragons.