Bye/Hi


I had to write tonight of course.

 

Not to make excuses for not writing before now but to personally mark this night. The last night of my thirties.

 

I don’t want to be lengthy or political or poetic or anything. I just need to say some personal things that I hope I  remember later.

 

My thirties – now that I look back on them – were surprisingly like a second adolescence. A lot of insecurities and doubts. A constant struggle with my self image and my inability to accept a life that really wasn’t how I imagined it would be while I was still in my real teens.

 

As tomorrow approaches along with my 40th year mark, I’m rethinking a few things.
These days I feel like if there were things I couldn’t accept about myself or my life these last 10 years – maybe it’s because I could stand to be more broad minded. And less judgmental. And maybe that’s something I can work on over the next ten years (granted I get them, of course).

 

On my 30th birthday I told everyone that would listen how unbothered I was to be leaving my 20s and how I was saying goodbye to uncertainties and hello to the new confident thirty something me. It was all bluffing of course.

 

I was terrified. I had no job, my then relationship had reached a stalemate and I was soon leaving the country I’d lived in for almost a decade to try my luck back home. I was made of fear and I was even more scared to acknowledge it.

 

If I had to pin point a difference between then and now I’d say at least now I get that fear comes with the territory. Now I can admit to it and that’s ok as long as I don’t necessarily give in to it.

 

Bluffing is ok too. It’s just one more way of trying to get from A to B. Sometimes I fake it till I make it or I don’t make it and then I try another way.

 

Other thoughts.

 

I have a little girl who will turn 5 this year and she’s amazing.

 

Amazing.

 

My hair has gone a bit silver in front and it’s actually pretty.

 

I found out this year that I have high blood pressure and that’s been the push I needed to start being more conscious of how I treat my body and mind every day.

 

Changing my life habits and making healthier ones – bruh…. such a battle and I lose more times than I win. But it’s a good battle and the few wins are worth every single loss so there’s that.

 

My life partner is my best friend. Even when we squabble. He’s been my safe place and I’ve needed one.

 

I really need to make more of an effort to spend time with my folks and siblings. For real, introvert or not, I need to do better.

 

My other battle – the battle with my self and my fear when it comes to writing – still rages which is good because fighting is better than dead.

 

But winning is nicest of all so over the next decade I’ll work on that too.

 

This wasn’t supposed to be long. I still surprise myself. I’m just getting to know myself.

 

So yeah… it’s Saturday 7/7/17, 9:27pm and I have a deadline I need to meet for Sunday so I’m going to stop here.

 

This 39 going on 40 moment was brought to you by my ever reliable mental gymnast friend, Procrastination.

 

*peace sign*